Obsessively Good Enough: Day 5

Be content.... Right. With the world we live in, our lives are built on anything but contentment. I was taught at a young age to always be striving and pushing for the best. On the other hand, my mother was shoving a particular verse into my brain any time she heard me complain. "In whatsoever state I am....." She was would start in her sing song voice. "therewith, to be content." I would grumble back. It became a joke as I grew older.

I read 1 Timothy 6 and I found the idea of being content a focal point. It's not easy to be content when we you grow up in a materialistic/ vain driven society. I had to stop and really think about it. What I found truly ironic(or miraculous) was I had just finished praying with requests such as... "Please, help my husband's business to grow so that I may have the opportunity to stay home some day." Or, "Please help me to keep losing weight so I can look good like other people...." etc. It's no wonder God needed to slap me in the face with this truth. I must look at myself right now in this moment and be content. Period.

Does this mean I slack off? No, I don't think so. I think I continue to work on my health. I continue to do my best as a teacher. Most importantly, I continue to dig in God's Word and grow in Jesus everyday. But, I don't do it with grumblings and disgust because of the position that I am currently in. I do it grateful that God loved me enough to help me lose the weight I have already lost. I do it knowing that God has clothed me and fed me and I have no true needs unmet. I do it pleased and with joy. I do it knowing that this is a life journey not a quick fix. I must learn to always be content.

I Timothy 6:6-8

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having good and raiment let us be therewith content.

Obsessively Good Enough: Day 3

Colossians 3:3 

For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

Maybe it's from growing up in a conservative evangelical home.... Maybe it's the mental disorder that has messed with my thinking since I was a child..... Maybe it's lies that have been fed to me through Satan and I have fallen into the trap. Well, it's probably all of these reasons. The idea that I'm hid with Christ is not an easy one to accept. Even now, I find that I have to perform a certain way in order to be accepted by God. 

It's funny. If I fail, I refuse to pray or read my Bible.. I feel as if I don't deserve to talk to God. He is mad at me. He wants to punish me for my sinfulness. I don't know where or when these lies started to plague me and corrupt my thinking, but they are there. They are strong and they keep me from truly experiencing what Jesus gave me... Freedom. 

When I made the decision to surrender my life to Jesus, my life was immediately changed. I was no longer held under the law. All of my imperfectness (past, present, and future) was covered under His blood. I know this. I've been told this my whole life. Still, I cling to the idea that my actions dictate His love for me. 

No matter what choices I make in life, God is this steadfast unmovable rock. Storms and waves pummel me while His love holds on tight. It's as if I'm sitting at home by a fire while outside is 

Obsessively Good Enough: Day 4

I am starting the new year with a totally different outlook. It's strange really. I can honestly say that 2017 was the hardest year of my life and yet, it was the most amazing life changing year. I am so glad that God decided to try me. If He hadn't, I'm afraid I would still be in the rut I was in. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely! All I have to do is look at the 10 lbs I gained from slacking on my eating habits to see I did not live a perfect year. But, for the first time, I'm not beating myself up over it. I weighed myself today. I saw the 10lbs and I DIDN'T cry. I didn't feel sick. I didn't want to yell at myself and punish myself for being so stupid. I saw the number on the scale and I accepted it as a couple of months of not being disciplined. I saw it as an opportunity to make up for it. I saw it as a chance to pray and thank God for this lesson learned. For the first time, I was ok with the fact that I made a mistake.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't use it as an excuse to say that I'm saved I can do whatever I want and get away with it. But, I did see that moment as a way to reflect on consequences. Eating junk the past couple of months does not mean that Jesus loves me less. But, it also doesn't mean I can make bad decisions without consequences. No, there are definitely consequences to every decision I make. And I'm reaping those consequences as I try to button my pants. But, the beauty of it all is God still loves me. He sees me and wraps His arms around me. He still adores me. Honestly, I don't get it. But, He does. Beautiful!

I read 1 Timothy 4 this morning and it was the PERFECT passage for me at this moment. Funny how that works..... Verses 12-16 hit the hardest.

Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers in word, in conversation, in charity, in spiritn, in faith, in purity. Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. Neglect no the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of presbytery. Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all. Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.

Be an example. It's that simple. My choices not only affect me. They affect those around me. My decision to live a healthier life reflects my body but also the people around me. People are watching hoping I succeed but also checking to see if I fail. I'm here to tell you that I did fail and I will continue to fail. BUT, God!!! I love that. God never fails. He will pick me up. Dust me off and we will continue on this journey together. I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I want them to see Victory in my life and know that it directly reflects what Jesus has done through me. I want them to see my health journey as success because I chose to let Jesus take the reigns. When people look at me, I want them to see what it means to live a life with Christ. 

I'm grateful for my failures. I now see them as another example of what God did for me. I see it as an opportunity to reflect, learn, and grow. Today is a good day.

Out of the Horrible Pit

Psalm 40: 1-4 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God; Many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies."

I lay swinging in the hammock. I don't know what it is about rocking, but I find that rocking is the most soothing for me while I'm awake. I'm not sure how long I've been there. My family is inside playing games, watching movies, and enjoying their afternoon. My son is somewhere. I haven't spoken to him all day. I'm afraid to look at him. I'm afraid to look at anyone. If I look, then I'll know I'm a failure. They don't deserve me.

I should be in there with them. It's our vacation. We have been looking forward to this trip for months. I can hear my sisters and mother laughing at something in the cabin. Quickly, I slam my eyes shut and start praying. Over and Over. I pull out my phone and head to google. NO! I grit my teeth. Googling just makes things worse. Quickly I find my Bible App. My Pastor's Wife has been praying for me. I can feel it. She lovingly brings truth to my life as she reminds me over and over to saturate myself in the Word. I go to the chapter I had left off. I have been reading my Bible for a week and already I am finished with half of the New Testament. It's like this obsessive hunger. I am desperately grasping at straws trying to find comfort or peace to this situation. I'm trying to find a way to pull myself out of this cloud. I read the words. Some stick out and I copy them down. Some run together and I'm not sure what I've read. But I keep reading. I don't stop.

For days, God has been purging my heart. Layer after layer is being pulled and God is reminding me of my failures. He continues to show me slowly but surely how I had found myself in this pit. Selfish decisions made in High School. Immoral and sinful choices throughout college. My rebellious attitude..... Hard heart and bitterness that so quickly overshadowed the Gospel. Each layer, I find myself falling deeper and deeper. I feel nauseous. I'm disgusted with myself for who I have become. My entire body feels dirty and I just want to take a shower to clean myself. But no amount of scrubbing will wash away the dirtiness I feel on the inside.

Suddenly, a phrase sticks out to me. It's about God loving me. I stop swinging. What? God, can you really love me. You've just shown me all the ways I've failed. How can you love me? I don't deserve it. You don't deserve to have someone like me as your servant..... "Daughter, you are the apple of my eye. I love you." Tears burn my eyes and I look up to the beautiful sky. It's as if an invisible hand is pulling me up out of the pit I had fallen. It's carrying me higher and higher until I can feel strong safe arms holding me. Reassuring me. That assurance I've so desperately been looking for. A soft voice whispers, "Welcome home, my prodigal child!"

Then, I know. I know that this is the first step to the healing that I have so desperately been praying for. For the first time, I can truly grasp what it means to be loved unconditionally. I am feeling GRACE! Sweet Grace!

In the Pit of OCD

Back and forth… Back and forth… Will the thoughts ever go away? Someone is talking to me. Who is it? 

“Babe, did you hear what I said?” His eyes show the frustration he must be feeling as he realizes that once again I had drifted. Why can’t I focus on the words he is saying? Why can’t I be the wife he needs me to be? 

“Yeah, I was listening.” Warily, he eyes me with skepticism and continues with his story. 

Focus, breath, Focus….. What is wrong with me? I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve my son who is sitting in his car seat giggling and playing make believe with two candy canes. His imagination blows me away. I hope he doesn’t end up like me. AUGH! I put my hands on my face and start rocking again. 

It’s as if the thoughts cycle through me. I try to ignore them but it makes them come stronger. The harder I fight, the louder the thoughts come until once again I’m sitting in a cloud. I’m out of reality. My family doesn’t have a wife or mother. My family has a shell of a woman who can’t get it together to take care of the things they need. I grab my phone and start googling. Yes, that will make me feel better. It will remind me and reassure me that what I’m doing is normal. Oh no! One of the links says my behavior might be a symptom of brain cancer. Brain Cancer!. I frantically start an hour long search of the symptoms. 

“Don’t you hear your son calling for you? He wants you to read him a book.”

I look up to find a beautiful blue eyed boy holding out a book to his mama. His screwed up mother who can’t even pay enough attention to play with her boy. 

“Hey baby! Come sit on my lap. What do you want to read?” He giggles with his eyes bright and quickly crawls into my arms. I start to read, but I don’t even know what I’m reading. I’m still focused on the idea that I might be dying of cancer. I know words are coming out, but they are void of emotion. I reach the middle of the book and that precious boy closes it and heads to his bedroom. Tears burn my eyes. He knows. He knows his momma wasn’t paying attention. AGAIN! 

“I think I’m going to take a nap.” I say as I shuffle to my bedroom. Yes, sleep. Sleep takes the pain away. Sleep gives me temporary relief from this nightmare I’m living in. 

“You just woke up a couple of…..” Slam! I close the door and crawl into bed. I rest in the darkness and quiet. I close my eyes and curl up.

God, please! Please help me. I need to go to sleep….. Take this away from me. Pull me from this…… Please……. 

Obsessively Good Enough: Day 2

Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."

A friend sent me these verses this morning. They are so fitting to what I wrote about yesterday. Right away the word "Sacrifice" stuck out to me. The definition of sacrifice is to surrender a possession as an offering to God. If I'm to present myself to God as a living sacrifice, I must surrender myself as an offering to God. To surrender my personal wants, fleshly desires, and body as a sacrifice to a Holy God who sacrificed Himself for me. I think it would be easy to read this and fall into the trap of believing I must surrender everything for God to love me. I must sacrifice to be saved. But, I don't want to fall into that trap. I don't need to do anything for God. He already loved me and saved me despite my actions. This is the beauty of grace and the Gospel. Jesus died on the cross knowing that Tabitha Gordon would never be good enough. No, I am not good enough to save myself. However, when I made the choice to surrender my life to God and give him the reigns to my future, I became His child. I became His daughter. I belong to God and He holds me in the palm of His hands. Safe. Comforted. I no longer belong to my flesh. Jesus fought the fleshly battle for me. Now, I just need to rest in Him, in the Spirit.

In context of eating, I think a living sacrifice means to put away my fleshly glutonous desires and present myself to God as one who treats my temple as pure, cleaned, and Holy. I don't need to eat to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled through Jesus. Food can so quickly turn my focus from God and I want to use food as a sacrifice, an offering, to my Savior who gave up everything for ME. FOR ME!

The second word that I underlined was Perfect. No surprise there! For someone who fights in her own will to be perfect, I would want to see this verse as a map to how to be a perfect person. WRONG! Like Benjamin Franklin who dedicated a large portion of his life following a regimented and disciplined schedule, he quickly learned that there is no map or guide to the perfect life. We are inherently imperfect humans. But what happens when we surrender our lives and sacrifice our body, future, wants, and flesh to Jesus? What if we allow ourselves to live with the knowledge that this present world is not the end? That there is something better waiting for us? What if we renew our minds and sacrifice, suffer, and surrender for a temporary life? Well, maybe, just maybe, perfection does exist. More importantly, the perfection of God who guides you to His perfect Will. Once again, I learn that it takes falling down on my face and allowing God to lift me up. It requires God doing the work for me.

Interestingly, I think the verse right after ties the package into a nice little bow.

 "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith". 

There, lies the real problem. I think of myself too highly. But, isn't that everyone's problem? Often, I'm told that I'm too hard on myself. This is true. However, looking at the root, it is another example of placing my strength above God's. Being too hard on myself is essentially putting my faith in my own self. It means that I think I have the same strength and power as God. Ultimately, it's me thinking too highly of myself. To sacrifice and surrender, means to realize you are nothing. It means you know that you are not good enough and you need the help of someone who truly is better than good enough to take what you are sacrificing and bring it to perfection. Whoa!! We have come full circle.

If I am to be a living sacrifice, I must surrender my strength to God and allow Him to bring my food problems to perfection. It is only through Him that I will see victory over my body. He will break down my flesh and renew my mind. He will heal my body through the living foods He has provided. He will strengthen and perfect me to make wise decisions based on my Spirit rather than my flesh. Here I sit, surrendered, making my food choices a daily, living sacrifice.

Perhaps, the real question.... Am I willing to sacrifice my own strength in order to reap the benefits of an all powerful and perfect God?

Obsessively Good Enough: Day 1

Day 1

I have always struggled with the idea of being "good enough". What does that even mean? I've never wanted to be good enough. I've worked my whole life to be the best. The absolute best. I think I got this drive from my dad who spent endless hours perfecting baseball. From what I understand, my dad was the best at baseball. All star.... college scholarships.... a natural with an unnatural work ethic that put him at the top of his game. Am I an athlete? Goodness, no! The idea of Tabitha Wasik Gordon being an athlete is laughable to anyone who knows me. However, I'm a Wasik with enough grit and drive to push me to be the musician I am today. As a musician, there is no such thing as a good enough performance, no such thing as a good enough practice session. You are in a constant state of always bettering yourself. What did I do wrong with that warm up?... Ok, next time I'll do better. It's a never ending battle of being the absolute best. I thrive in that environment which is why I probably spent hours in the practice room going over one measure because I couldn't let it go until it was better than "good enough". Of course, it never was. 

This summer, I was diagnosed with OCD. Wow! It should have never been a question. But, there I was dumbfounded that this artsy, scattered, floating in the clouds, and messy musician was indeed struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It had become so extreme that I couldn't get out of bed, take care of my son, or even have a normal conversation with my family. I found my self rocking back and forth in darkness while my family pulled together to watch my son. It definitely wasn't a shining moment in my life. Suddenly, being the best was no longer a strength of mine. It was a curse. It was miserable and I wanted it fixed. 

Then, God. Yes!!! It was in that moment that God pulled me up and carried me through one of the worst summers of my life. It was like He allowed me to fall into the worst pit and said, "Tabitha, you will never be the best. You will never even be good enough. You are human and you need me." It was in that moment that I realized perfection only comes through Jesus. Because Jesus lives in me, God only sees me through Him. I knew that I could keep fighting and working on my own, or I could surrender everything and let God work and perfect me. That's not easy to do for someone with OCD. I didn't want to give up my control. But, I had fallen so low and was so desperate to pull out of this pit, that the only thing I could do was un-clinch my fists and look up. It was scary. It was beautiful. It was the best decision I've ever made. When I finally surrendered and looked up, the fight was over. You see, Jesus won this battle for me a long time ago. The battle was over before I was even born. Why was I fighting something that Jesus had won for me a long time ago? Ha! It seems stupid, but nobody ever said I was smart. 

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my health journey. Well.... EVERYTHING!!! I spent 10 months with enough determination, strength, and grit to not even taste sugar, dairy, and grains. I hate to say it, but I did it in my own strength. That Obsessive drive to be the best put me at the top of my game when it came to health. I was proud. I knew I was awesome for doing this. I enjoyed the admiration people sent my way. I enjoyed to attention of having lost 50 lbs. I mean who else can watch their husband almost die, lose their job, have a mental break down, and STILL eat healthy? This girl! And I was walking around with my chest puffed out. For once, I was The Best... at least when it came to healthy eating. 

Enter month 11, Ooops! A couple of slips and all of a sudden I'm once again in the world of good enough. Some would say that what I did was amazing. That 10 months of clean eating is admirable and they couldn't do it. But, for me and my OCD, I had failed once again. I had showed my human side and I was ticked off. Ugh! It wasn't even "good enough" because I had failed my 365 day commitment. I tried to get back on track but I was slipping left and right. After my amazing discover this summer, you would think I would have learned my lesson. But, Nope! I did this eating journey on my own with the pride to show it. 

Then, God. "Tabitha you will never be perfect without me. You will never complete what some people consider an impossible health journey without me. You need ME! I'm not going to let you succeed and have Victory by yourself because you can't. You need ME!" 

So here I am humbled, convicted, and in awe. God wants me to have victory in this area of my life, but it's no longer about being the best. It's about surrendering every aspect to my Savior who surrendered Himself for me.... a prideful, OCD, imperfect sinner, who thinks she can do everything on her own. 

I'm starting over. But, this time, it won't be me doing the work. I'm uncurling my fingers and letting God have this area of my life. And for the first time, I might actually be good enough.

Psalm 18: 30 - 32

"As for God, His way is perfect: The word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those that trust in Him. For who is God, save the Lord? or who is Rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength and maketh my way perfect."