Out of the Horrible Pit

Psalm 40: 1-4 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God; Many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies."

I lay swinging in the hammock. I don't know what it is about rocking, but I find that rocking is the most soothing for me while I'm awake. I'm not sure how long I've been there. My family is inside playing games, watching movies, and enjoying their afternoon. My son is somewhere. I haven't spoken to him all day. I'm afraid to look at him. I'm afraid to look at anyone. If I look, then I'll know I'm a failure. They don't deserve me.

I should be in there with them. It's our vacation. We have been looking forward to this trip for months. I can hear my sisters and mother laughing at something in the cabin. Quickly, I slam my eyes shut and start praying. Over and Over. I pull out my phone and head to google. NO! I grit my teeth. Googling just makes things worse. Quickly I find my Bible App. My Pastor's Wife has been praying for me. I can feel it. She lovingly brings truth to my life as she reminds me over and over to saturate myself in the Word. I go to the chapter I had left off. I have been reading my Bible for a week and already I am finished with half of the New Testament. It's like this obsessive hunger. I am desperately grasping at straws trying to find comfort or peace to this situation. I'm trying to find a way to pull myself out of this cloud. I read the words. Some stick out and I copy them down. Some run together and I'm not sure what I've read. But I keep reading. I don't stop.

For days, God has been purging my heart. Layer after layer is being pulled and God is reminding me of my failures. He continues to show me slowly but surely how I had found myself in this pit. Selfish decisions made in High School. Immoral and sinful choices throughout college. My rebellious attitude..... Hard heart and bitterness that so quickly overshadowed the Gospel. Each layer, I find myself falling deeper and deeper. I feel nauseous. I'm disgusted with myself for who I have become. My entire body feels dirty and I just want to take a shower to clean myself. But no amount of scrubbing will wash away the dirtiness I feel on the inside.

Suddenly, a phrase sticks out to me. It's about God loving me. I stop swinging. What? God, can you really love me. You've just shown me all the ways I've failed. How can you love me? I don't deserve it. You don't deserve to have someone like me as your servant..... "Daughter, you are the apple of my eye. I love you." Tears burn my eyes and I look up to the beautiful sky. It's as if an invisible hand is pulling me up out of the pit I had fallen. It's carrying me higher and higher until I can feel strong safe arms holding me. Reassuring me. That assurance I've so desperately been looking for. A soft voice whispers, "Welcome home, my prodigal child!"

Then, I know. I know that this is the first step to the healing that I have so desperately been praying for. For the first time, I can truly grasp what it means to be loved unconditionally. I am feeling GRACE! Sweet Grace!