Back and forth… Back and forth… Will the thoughts ever go away? Someone is talking to me. Who is it?
“Babe, did you hear what I said?” His eyes show the frustration he must be feeling as he realizes that once again I had drifted. Why can’t I focus on the words he is saying? Why can’t I be the wife he needs me to be?
“Yeah, I was listening.” Warily, he eyes me with skepticism and continues with his story.
Focus, breath, Focus….. What is wrong with me? I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve my son who is sitting in his car seat giggling and playing make believe with two candy canes. His imagination blows me away. I hope he doesn’t end up like me. AUGH! I put my hands on my face and start rocking again.
It’s as if the thoughts cycle through me. I try to ignore them but it makes them come stronger. The harder I fight, the louder the thoughts come until once again I’m sitting in a cloud. I’m out of reality. My family doesn’t have a wife or mother. My family has a shell of a woman who can’t get it together to take care of the things they need. I grab my phone and start googling. Yes, that will make me feel better. It will remind me and reassure me that what I’m doing is normal. Oh no! One of the links says my behavior might be a symptom of brain cancer. Brain Cancer!. I frantically start an hour long search of the symptoms.
“Don’t you hear your son calling for you? He wants you to read him a book.”
I look up to find a beautiful blue eyed boy holding out a book to his mama. His screwed up mother who can’t even pay enough attention to play with her boy.
“Hey baby! Come sit on my lap. What do you want to read?” He giggles with his eyes bright and quickly crawls into my arms. I start to read, but I don’t even know what I’m reading. I’m still focused on the idea that I might be dying of cancer. I know words are coming out, but they are void of emotion. I reach the middle of the book and that precious boy closes it and heads to his bedroom. Tears burn my eyes. He knows. He knows his momma wasn’t paying attention. AGAIN!
“I think I’m going to take a nap.” I say as I shuffle to my bedroom. Yes, sleep. Sleep takes the pain away. Sleep gives me temporary relief from this nightmare I’m living in.
“You just woke up a couple of…..” Slam! I close the door and crawl into bed. I rest in the darkness and quiet. I close my eyes and curl up.
God, please! Please help me. I need to go to sleep….. Take this away from me. Pull me from this…… Please…….
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